Lost Love
by Kay-san
Summary: Aoshi realized his feelings for Misao after she married another. He was content with being her best friend until her husband's untimely death. Will Misao give first love a second chance or is it too late for the reformed Aoshi?
1. Chapter 1

Hey all!  Yes, I know, too many stories being written at one time is bad, but I couldn't help it!  This one was begging to be written and here I am.  Sorry, I'll try to be good on updates with all my stories.  Hope you like this one!

Warning: Some OOCness on Aoshi's part.  Also, this is alternate pairing in flashbacks.  In the first few chapters, there will be tons of flashbacks, so if those bother you, sorry.  Just a fair warning.

Love Lost

Chapter 1

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When the news reached Misao, she didn't feel anything, she was numb.  It wasn't real.  It couldn't be real.  Life was great.  She had been happily married for three years and she had just learned she was pregnant with her first child.  Life couldn't get any better.  But it certainly could get worse, and it did.

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She stood watching the flames on her husband's funeral pyre leap higher and higher, no emotion showing on her pale face.  Aoshi watched her with a concerned eye.  They had become best friends and he was worried about the lack of emotion coming from her.

He looked down at her stomach and back up at her face.  Life was going to be hard on her now.  A young widowed woman, early into her first pregnancy and going through it alone.  Sure, she had the Aoiya's occupants to help her, but it wouldn't be the same as the child's father.  He stepped up next to her and she looked up at him, still devoid of any emotion.  He offered her a tiny, sad smile and she felt her lips tremble.  For the first time since she heard the dreadful news, she cried.  Aoshi gave her a brotherly hug and she finally let her emotions go.  She leaned back into his chest as she watched the fire dance and jump around her husband's body.  

She whispered hoarsely and quietly, but Aoshi heard her.  "No use praying it's a dream now.  He's really gone."

Okina put a hand softly on her abdomen.  "No, Misao-chan.  He's not gone."

Misao smiled a trembling smile and began to cry harder than before.  She began to think back to when she first met Soujiro.

^^^^^^FLASHBACK^^^^^^

Seventeen year old Misao stood outside in the Aoiya's uniform, sweeping the entrance to the restaurant.  She heard someone approaching and looked up with her bright, customer service smile firmly in place.  

"Welcome to the Aoiya!"

She expected the customer to pass by on his way into the restaurant but he asked her a question instead.  "Pardon me, but I was wondering, is this just a restaurant or an inn as well?"

Misao shook her head slightly.  "We're just a restaurant, but down the road is a very nice inn that we usually recommend to travel-"  She stopped abruptly as she opened her eyes for the first time and noticed who she was speaking to.  She gripped the broom in a defensive position and glared at the young man before her.  "What do you want?"

Soujiro's eyes opened in surprise and his famous smile slipped from his features.  Realization hit him and his eyes widened.  "Oh, you're the woman who was with Battousai when we fought in Shengatsu village.  I can understand your apprehension, but have no worries.  I'm not here to harm anyone."  He smiled brightly again and pointed to his waist.  "See?  No swords!"

Misao let the broom down a bit, but still looked skeptical.  "Why are you here?"

"I've been wandering, trying to find my truth."  The smile slipped again and he looked thoughtful.  "This was the way Himura found his and Shishio found his, so I'm trying to find mine now.  While I haven't embraced Himura's no kill vow, I have decided not to kill until things become clear to me.  So, you don't have to worry, since I still haven't figured everything out."  He smiled once again and Misao put the broom down fully.  

"I don't sense any insincerity from you, so I'll believe it.  But I will have you know that Aoshi-sama is still with us, so don't try anything."  Misao led him into the Aoiya and told her family his story so they wouldn't attack him.  She put him in a booth and bowed slightly.  "Omasu will be your waitress.  Please enjoy your meal."

Soujiro let out a small chuckle.  _She amuses me.  I'd like to get to know her on friendlier terms._

^^^^^^^^END FLASHBACK^^^^^^^^

Misao snapped out of it when Aoshi gently shook her shoulder.  "Misao, it's over."

Misao focused in front of her to see that the fire had mostly died down and was now sputtering around the pile of ashes.  She let out a wail, the reality slamming into her all too suddenly.  Aoshi caught her as her legs gave out and she began crying again.  "We were happy!  We had everything!  He was with me just one week ago!  He can't be gone!"  Aoshi picked her up to carry her home while she cried into his chest.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao picked at the food, her tears making the food seem to waver and blur.  "I'm not hungry.  I think I'll go to bed."  She bid everyone goodnight and made her way to her room.  

She laid down on her futon and began to think about Soujiro again.  She knew her family didn't mean anything by it, but they made the same thing for dinner that they had the first night Soujiro stayed with them.  She smiled at her thoughts.  "Heck, they probably don't remember what we had.  I'd be the only one sentimental enough to remember something that trivial."

^^^^^^^^FLASHBACK^^^^^^^^^

Misao looked at Soujiro as he was walking out of the Aoiya.  _He seems really nice.  And almost – sad.  Before she knew what she was doing, Misao had a hand on his arm stopping him.  "Wait!"_

Soujiro turned to look at her, surprise clear on his features.  "Yes?"

Misao swallowed hard, wondering what in the world she was thinking.  "Would you like to stay here for a while?"

Soujiro looked at her strangely.  "Do you think that's a good idea?"

Misao let out a smile.  "Actually, I kind of do.  Himura told me once, he wasn't really stable or sure about life, until he met Kaoru and made friends with the people he knows now.  I was thinking the same may be true about you.  You don't have to stay if you don't want to, but you're welcome to do so."

Soujiro let out a slow, real smile.  "I'd love to stay.  Thank you."

Everyone kept a wary eye on him as they had dinner that night.  He hadn't seemed dangerous to any of them yet, but he had been Shishio's right hand man.  Misao sat next to him, trying to make friendly conversation with him.  _He's actually quite handsome.  And when he smiles a real smile and not a fake one, he's even more handsome.  _

Misao began to clear the table once dinner was over and Soujiro started to help.  "Here, let me help you.  You're being nice enough to let me stay so it's the least I can do."

Misao nodded and then blushed bright red as their hands brushed as they reached for the same bowl.  "Sorry."

She looked up and noticed Soujiro sporting a slight blush as well.  "Sorry."

^^^^^^^^^^END FLASHBACK^^^^^^^^^^

Misao smiled at the memories.  "It really was a good idea."  She rolled over and was met with the sight of her husband's empty side of the futon.  She ran her hand over the fabric and frowned.  

She got up and made her way over to their closet and pulled out one of his old gi and held it up to her nose.  "It still smells like him."  She laid down and cuddled up to the fabric.  She closed her eyes and tried to imagine him there, smiling at her as she fell asleep.

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A/N:  Yeah, this one's gonna be angsty!  But, don't worry.  Once you hit rock bottom, there's no where to go but up.  And I'd say poor Misao is at rock bottom.  This is my first angst fic, so reviews would be hugely appreciated!  Hugs & Kisses!


	2. Chapter 2

Everyone's so nice to me!  Thank you for the kind reviews and I hope you like this next chapter as well!  

Disclaimer: I forgot this last time, but as you probably know, Rurouni Kenshin isn't mine.  *sigh*

Lost Love

Chapter 2

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Misao awoke early the next morning, the sun's first rays streaming in the window to hit her squarely in the eyes.  She grumbled as she turned the other way.  "Ow.  Stupid sun."

She tried to go back to sleep, but that burst of light had made it impossible.  She slowly got up and grabbed her clothes.  "I need a nice hot bath."  

After heating the water, she sank into the furo and closed her eyes.  If anyone had been watching at that moment they would have thought she'd lost her mind because Misao started to giggle.

^^^^^^^^^^^^FLASHBACK^^^^^^^^^^

Misao made her way to the bathhouse after not being able to sleep that night.  Something about Soujiro drew her to him.  She was still undoubtedly in love with her Aoshi-sama, but she was pretty sure she had a small crush on the young swordsman.  

As she relaxed in the warm liquid, she didn't hear the door open or notice the slight breeze that was let in.  She opened her eyes and blinked a few times rapidly, anger rising with each blink.

Soujiro stood there, rooted to his spot as he stared at her.  

"Why – you – PERVERT!  PEEPING TOM!  HENTAI!  BATH WATCHER!"  Misao let the names fly as she flung all sorts of bottles and bath accessories at the young man.  He seemed to be shaken out of his stupor and retreated quickly under a haze of shouted apologies.

"I'm so sorry, Misao-san!  I didn't mean to!  I didn't know you were in there!  I didn't mean any harm!"  The apologies faded and Misao calmed down a bit.

She blushed as she realized she too had gotten a good look in before 

saying anything.  His yukata had dropped open just a few inches above his navel and exposed a very toned chest and abdomen.  _He looked kinda cute.  Hair disheveled, face kinda rosy…and that chest!  My god I would have never guessed!  Nice stomach too!  _

Misao's face reddened even further.  "What am I thinking?!  Aoshi-sama.  Aoshi-sama.  Aoshi-sama.  Remember the man you're in love with, baka."

^^^^^^^^^END FLASHBACK^^^^^^^^^

Misao let out another chuckle at the memory.  "It's amazing how you can fall in love with someone even when you don't want to."  She looked down and noticed her hands were wrinkling and reluctantly got out of the warm bath.  

After she had dressed for the day, she made her way into the kitchen.  She looked around and noticed everyone staring at her.  Misao sighed.  "It's okay.  You can talk to me.  I won't break.  The last thing I want or need is the silent treatment from you guys."  

Omasu smiled slightly.  "We're sorry, Misao.  We just don't know what to say to you."

Misao shook her head, amused at her family.  "Well, the things you used to say to me would be a start.  I don't want anything to change more than it has."  Her half-smile slipped as she said the words.  "I know it's awkward right now, but changing the routine will only hurt more because I'll think about things that I don't want to think about.  Normalcy would be a big help right now."

Aoshi patted the seat next to him.  "Come and have breakfast, Misao.  You need to eat."  He looked pointedly at her stomach and Misao rolled her eyes.

"Yes, sir", she replied sarcastically.  "Really Aoshi-sama, Jiya is bad enough!  I don't need you going on too!  Between the two of you, I'll end up fat and bed-ridden by the third month of this pregnancy!"  She seated herself next to him and allowed Okon to serve her food.  She ate slowly, hoping she wouldn't suffer from any morning sickness.  She hadn't yet, but Kaoru had with her first child and Misao had been a witness to her bouts of it.

Aoshi watched her dainty bites and smiled tenderly.  He quickly stopped when he remembered where he was, but he looked up and no one seemed to be paying any attention to them.  

Aoshi had been in love with her for some time before her marriage to Soujiro, but hadn't realized it.  It wasn't until she had been married for about six months that it hit him.  He turned back to his own breakfast and tried to push his thoughts to the side.  Misao didn't need a new love right now, nor did she want one.  What she needed was her best friend and 'big brother' and that's what Aoshi would be.  _Whatever you need, Misao.  Your wish is my command._

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Misao gazed out the window into the Aoiya's garden, her mind a void.  Aoshi came up behind her.  "Hello, Misao."

She tried to smile at him, but it wasn't really working.  Aoshi sighed as he seated himself across from her.  "Misao, if you need to let something out, it's okay.  You don't have to be strong for our benefit.  You're the one who's most affected by the situation."

Misao narrowed her eyes at him.  "My husband's death is a 'situation'?!  Going through this pregnancy alone is a 'situation'?!  I would like to think my husband and child are worth more than that!"

Aoshi put his hands up.  "Misao, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it that way.  I just didn't know how else to put it.  I'm sorry."

Misao put her hands to her forehead as she leaned back against the window.  "I shouldn't have yelled at you.  I know you thought highly of Sou-chan and I know you'll do everything in your power to see that this baby is well taken care of.  I'm just", she fumbled for the word, "unstable, I guess."  She finished with a shrug of her shoulders.  "He was my center."

Aoshi chuckled.  "Misao, you were HIS center."  _And mine._  He added mentally.  

Misao let her eyes drift closed.  "I'm so tired lately."

Aoshi smiled softly at her.  "It's because you're burdening yourself.  You need to let out some of your pain, Misao.  Trust me.  I've held it all in and it took me years to sort out my thoughts again."  He thought for a moment as he watched Misao stare out the window blankly.   "Why don't you talk to all of us about your relationship with Soujiro?"

Misao blinked at him.  "How would that help?"

"You of all people should know this."

Misao blushed slightly, remembering back to when she was still enamored with Aoshi.  "Oh, I remember."

Aoshi nodded his head slightly.  "You told me to talk to you about Hannya, Beshimi, Hyottoko and Shikijo.  You wanted me to tell you everything that happened from when we left to when I returned from the fight with Shishio.  I was reluctant and I know I pushed you away, not wanting to talk about it for so long, but when I finally relented it helped a great deal.  Maybe it would be the same for you."

Misao rested her gaze on the ground.  "I suppose it wouldn't hurt."

Aoshi stood and patted her shoulder on his way out.  "Would you like to do it tomorrow?  The Aoiya will be closed so we'll have all day to talk if you'd like."

Misao smiled slightly.  "Thank you, Aoshi-sama."

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A/N: Next chapter, we hear about Misao and Soujiro's relationship!  Yay!  I hope you enjoyed and please leave a review!  Hugs & Kisses!


	3. Chapter 3

Here's chappie 3!  I thought the flashbacks were becoming a bit disruptive to the flow of the story, so Misao will let it all out here.  Hope you enjoy!

Lost Love

Chapter 3

Aoshi started to boil water for tea and drew some cool water from the well so everyone would have something to drink.  As he stood watching the water, waiting for it to boil, Okon came in to gather some snacks.  "Aoshi-san, do you think this is a good idea?"

Aoshi turned to Okon, expression blank.  "What do you mean?"

Okon looked down.  "Well, everything just happened.  Misao really hasn't had time to heal yet.  Wouldn't talking about it just make her sadder?"

"No.  It's hard to explain, but talking about it helps.  Misao has been in so much pain these past couple of days, but is reluctant to show it.  Maybe if she recounts her life with Soujiro to all of us, it will alleviate some of her pain.  Also, it will help her remember the good times she had with him and instead of mourning his death she may feel like she should be thankful she was with him."

Okon nodded.  "It makes sense.  I'm just worried about her, that's all."

She picked up the tray of sweets and made her way back into the sitting room.

Aoshi put all of the beverages on his tray and sighed.  _I just don't know if I can handle it.  Hearing about how great her relationship with Soujiro was is going to hurt.  I know it will.  Not only that, but I'll have to hear about how I lost her.  I'm sure of it._

As he entered the living room, he frowned at Misao.  She sat propped against the wall, chewing her bottom lip.  "Misao, are you sure you want to do this?  You don't have to."

Misao opened her closed eyes slowly.  "It's going to hurt, but if it may help, I'm all for it."  She forced a tiny smile and closed her eyes again, waiting for everyone to be settled.

Okina placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.  "We're ready when you are, Misao."

She took a few deep breaths before opening her eyes.  "Well, of course the first time I saw Sou-chan, was when he was still with Shishio.  He was getting ready to fight Himura.  We were in so much danger at the time.  

But I remember thinking how cute he was."  Misao stopped and giggled.  Her family smiled slightly at the sound.  It was less than her usual joyful ones, but it was a start.

Misao continued.  "Of course at the time, it was just a passing thought.  I was still in love with my beloved Aoshi-sama after all."  She gave a teasing smile to the stoic man and he let one eyebrow quirk slightly, the only bit of emotion he was willing to share with the others.

"But then when he came to the Aoiya, I remember being so angry that he was here.  And confused.  What would Shishio's former right hand man want at our restaurant?  Shishio was gone.  But as he got ready to leave, I saw so much loneliness and sadness in his eyes.  I had to stop him from going.  I felt so sorry for him.  Himura had told me all about how he discovered Shishio had raised Soujiro to be this puppet of sorts.  He held the strings and taught Soujiro how to dance for him.  When I asked him to stay, he looked so surprised.  And then that bright, real smile came to his face and he was beautiful.  I knew in that instant, it was the right thing to do.

"I know the next few days were tense.  All of us on guard, watching his every move.  I tried not to do it, tried to make him feel at home, but it was so hard to not be suspicious of him.  I just couldn't get the memories of the Jupongatana out of my head.  But, he was patient with us.  He moved slowly so he wouldn't startle us, took the effort to make noise so he wouldn't sneak up on anybody.  It was very sweet on his part.  I think the day I finally started to relax around him was a week into his stay.  

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Soujiro sat out in the garden, sipping some water and gazing at the clouds overhead.  Misao walked out, hands clasped behind her back.  "Hey.  You look too moody.  It's a pretty day, you should be happier."

Soujiro turned and tried to smile at her, but it faltered.  "I'm sorry.  It's just that I've been burdening you guys for the past week.  I feel like I should be going, but at the same time, I don't want to wander anymore.  I want a place to stay, to call home."

Misao smiled slightly at him.  "Then stay.  Make this your home.  You haven't been a burden at all.  You've helped out in the restaurant, you've helped me improve my reflexes by training with me, you're more than welcome here, Soujiro."

Soujiro stared at the ground, contemplating his decision.  "I do like it here."  He looked up and smiled at Misao.  "If you say I won't be a 

burden, then I'll stay."

Misao returned his bright smile with one of her own and skipped back toward the Aoiya.  She stopped and turned as Soujiro's voice called to her.

"Misao, I would really like to get to know you better.  Would you like to go for a walk with me later this evening?"

Misao stopped herself from gaping at him.  _Is he asking me for a date?  What do I say?  I don't want to offend him, but I love Aoshi-sama!  Wait, Misao.  You're getting ahead of yourself.  He just wants to get to know me better.  He said so himself.  I don't see how it would hurt anything._

She offered him a slight smile.  "I'd love to, Soujiro.  Is after dinner okay?"

Soujiro nodded.  "After dinner it is."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao looked at her family as she paused in her story.  "So much changed during that walk.  I wasn't afraid of him anymore.  He told me all about his life as a member of the Jupongatana and how he was worried about the police finding him.  Sure, he was a child that Shishio molded into what he had become, but he had still assassinated a high ranking official.  There were sure to be repercussions for that."

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Soujiro turned sad eyes to Misao as they sat near the river.  "I just want to say now, that if I do get arrested, I had fun staying with you and your family.  It was nice to have that stability, if only for a short time."

Misao smacked his arm lightly.  "Don't get all mushy on me, Seta.  Just go to the police and see if you can work a deal with them.  They gave all the other members government jobs.  Why wouldn't it be the same for you?"

The young man sighed.  "The rest of them either didn't kill anyone of importance to the government, or only killed police officers.  I know it sounds harsh to put it that way, but it's how the government thinks.  I killed Okubo!  I'm sure they wouldn't let that go so lightly.  I was Shishio's right hand man.  They're sure to make an example of me."

Misao furrowed her eyebrows and began to speak, almost to herself.  "Maybe not."  She raised her gaze from the ground to look at him.  "Jiya has the ear of the officials here and I'm sure Himura has friends in high 

places.  Perhaps they could help out and talk them into giving you a job instead of sentencing you."

Soujiro began to think about it.  "It's only a maybe, but that's certainly better than hiding and worrying.  I'll go as soon as you send word to Himura."

Misao smiled brightly and nodded her head.  "It's settled then."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

She smiled in remembrance.  "He was so happy the day Saitou showed up on our doorstep offering him a job.  I was less than pleased and told him he'd have his hands full working with Mibu's Wolf, but he was just happy he wasn't going to be executed."  Misao scowled slightly.  "Of course, sometimes I think I'd rather be executed than work with Hajime Saitou."

Aoshi held back his snort.  _The old Misao is still in there.  We just have to lure her out._

"Things started to change drastically over the next few weeks."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao waved as Soujiro left for work.  "You have money for lunch, right?"

Soujiro rolled his eyes at Misao as he looked over his shoulder at her.  "Yes, dear.  I have money."

Misao blushed at his teasing.  "I was just making sure, Soujiro!  Don't be a jerk!"

She stormed back into the Aoiya and huffed as she made breakfast for the rest of the occupants.  She had begun to rise earlier than the others, getting up at the same time as Soujiro.  She told him it was so she could make breakfast for everyone else, but in all honesty, she wanted to make sure Soujiro got off to work well fed.  The swordsman had a bad habit of neglecting his own stomach.

Aoshi entered the kitchen and sat at the table, a stiff nod as his greeting.  Misao brought over his rice and tea.  "Your usual, sir."  She gave him a playful smile and made her way back to the counter to get his soup.  As she set it down in front of him, he spoke to her.  

"You've been up early these past two weeks."  He took a sip of soup and 

raised one eyebrow.  "Especially on days Soujiro goes to work."

Misao coughed uncomfortably.  "He doesn't eat properly if he gets up alone.  Plus, it's always nice to have someone see you off in the morning."

 Misao didn't realize Okon was in the kitchen until she heard her gasp.  "Misao!  Do you have a crush on Soujiro?!"

Misao turned to Okon with wide eyes and mouth gaping.  "No!  Of course not!  I just worry about him, that's all."

Okon smirked and let it go.  "If you say so, Misao."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao and Soujiro took walks together, prepared meals together, stayed up late talking together.  They were nearly inseparable.  

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao smiled at her family.  "Do you know how difficult it is to be in love with two people?"

Aoshi steeled himself.  _Here it goes.  Time to find out how I lost her._

"I still loved Aoshi, undoubtedly.  But, Soujiro returned my affections and Aoshi didn't.  That makes a huge difference.  Of course, I didn't realize how I felt about Soujiro until he'd been here for seven months.  Being together all that time brought us close to each other.  I knew he was important to me, but I didn't know how important until he was offered a position in Tokyo."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Soujiro trudged home with a heavy burden.  He saw Misao sweeping the walkway and smiled slightly at her.  

Misao paused in her sweeping to tease the young man.  "What?  No big smile?  I only get a little one?"

Soujiro took Misao gently by the hand and led her to the bench in the Aoiya's garden.  "Misao, I need to discuss something with you.  I know we're best friends and that's why I want your opinion."

Misao waited patiently.  "Go ahead, Sou-chan.  You can tell me anything."

Soujiro took a deep breath.  "Well, today I was offered a promotion at work."

Misao opened her mouth to congratulate him, but he put a finger on her mouth.  "If I accept, I'll have to go to Tokyo."

Misao nodded.  "For how long?"

"It's not for training, Misao.  I would move there permanently."

Misao chewed her bottom lip.  She didn't want him to go, but who was she to stop him.  "Well, it's your call.  You're the one who would be affected by this."

Soujiro blinked at her.  "You have no feelings on this?"

Misao looked him in the eye.  She knew she had to tell him to go.  It was for his own benefit.  That promotion would be great for him.  She couldn't hold him back selfishly.  "I think you should go."

Soujiro let out a half-chuckle that held no humor.  "So, that's how you feel."

Misao was getting confused.  She looked expectantly at Soujiro for an explanation.  "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, not at all.  Just forget it."  Soujiro rose to go inside.

"No, wait!  What did you mean by that?!"  Misao's temper rose at Soujiro's obvious anger at her.

"You don't care if I leave!  I'm in love with you and you're so busy fawning over a man that doesn't notice you to see what's right in front of you!"  Soujiro continued into the house, leaving Misao in stunned silence.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"It was then it hit me.  I really had been blind to everything but Aoshi-sama.  Soujiro was always attentive and wonderful and there for me.  And I was always too busy worrying about Aoshi to return the favor to Sou-chan, but he never held it against me.

"I thought about it all night.  Did I love Soujiro in return?  I was fond of him, yes.  But was it love?  And then I wondered how life would be without him around and I couldn't bear the thought of it.  When he woke up the next morning, I confronted him."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Soujiro padded into the kitchen softly.  "Good morning, Misao."

Misao blushed lightly and brought his breakfast over to him.  She sat next to him while he ate.  "I thought about what you said last night."

Soujiro put down his chopsticks and looked at her.  "And?"  
  


"I don't want you to go.  I started to wonder if I felt about you, the way you said you felt about me.  The thought of living without you, is like living without air.  I couldn't do it.  I think I'm in love with you, too."

Soujiro began to smile, but kept from doing so.  "What about Aoshi?"

Misao sighed.  "I can't lie to you.  I still love Aoshi.  But, it's different from how I feel for you.  It's a deep-rooted fondness.  A family love, I guess.  For you, it's this all-consuming emotion that was confusing me, so I ignored it and focused on Aoshi.  I'm sorry.  It was just scary to stop believing what I had believed for so long."

Soujiro smiled at her.  "So you love me and not Aoshi?"  
  


Misao cocked her head to the side.  "I just said I love him too."

Soujiro shook his head.  "I mean in the woman loves a man way."

Misao smiled slowly as she nodded.  Soujiro bolted up from the table and grabbed Misao in a hug, spinning her around the kitchen as they giggled together.  He set her down and kissed her hand as he grew serious.  "I promise you, I'll sweep you off your feet and you'll forget any romantic feelings for Aoshi!"

Misao giggled.  "You sure about that?"  
  


"I'll court you and we'll have the best time and I'll be a perfect gentleman!  You'll see!"  He waved as he ran out the door for work.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao sighed as she paused in her story.  "It sounds corny when I tell the story, but it was so wonderful when it was happening.  It was like everything became clear in one amazing moment."  She stood up to stretch.  "I think I need a break.  My back's starting to hurt from all this sitting."

Aoshi stood up as well.  "Want to continue after lunch?"

Misao looked up to answer him and saw sadness in his eyes.  "Aoshi, don't feel bad about pushing me away back then.  If you hadn't, who knows where we'd all be right now?  Everything happens for a reason.  Despite how I hurt back then, you made up for it after I married Soujiro.  You were and still are my best friend, and that makes you infinitely precious to me."  She squeezed his hand and he answered with a squeeze of his own.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A/N: Sorry about not updating for so long!  For some reason, I couldn't log on to ff.net.  Anyway, Misao continues her story next chapter.  This one was getting too long.  Hope you enjoyed and please leave a review!  Hugs & Kisses!


	4. Chapter 4

Lost Love

Chapter 4

Omasu slammed her chopsticks down and glared at Misao.  "The seventh month!  You were in love with him in the seventh month?!  You didn't tell us until he'd been here almost a year!"

Misao giggled slightly.  "You guys are terrible about teasing!  Plus- "

She paused in thought.  "How would you have taken it?  I had been in love with Aoshi since I was BORN practically.  And wasn't it kind of cute?  The current female okashira in love with her predecessor.  You know, little Misao and her Aoshi-sama.  It had been that way all my life.  And then to fall in love with someone who used to be the enemy.  You would have flipped out.  I mean, you did anyway, but I wanted to avoid that until we were steadier as a couple."

Omasu resumed eating.  "Yeah, well.  You still should have told us."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

They all settled back in the sitting room after lunch.  Aoshi sat next to Misao this time instead of across from her.  After hearing about her affections changing, he felt a need to be near her.  Somehow wanting to let her know how he felt without saying anything.  She gave him a ghost of her bright smile and began again.  

"As I said at lunch, we decided to keep things quiet for a while."

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Soujiro and Misao linked arms as they strolled through the market.  "It's hard to keep things hidden from your family."

Misao smirked at her new love.  "They consider you almost family, you know."

Soujiro smiled his true, bright smile that made Misao's heart flutter.  "I can't wait to tell them how we feel about each other."

Misao led Soujiro to the riverbank, their favorite place to sit and talk.  "We need to discuss something.  I know how I feel about you and I'm confident now that it is love.  But, I can't get Aoshi-sama out of my mind."

Soujiro sighed.  "I figured.  You have been in love with him all your life.  It won't fade overnight.  I'm patient, though.  I'll wait until you're ready 

to go to the next stage."

Misao smiled at him and her bottom lip trembled.  "You're so understanding.  I feel like I don't deserve this.  You're so kind to me and you always worry about how I'll feel about something.  And then here I am, in love with you, but still holding on to my feelings for Aoshi-sama.  You deserve someone who loves you and only you."

Soujiro tilted her face up.  "Listen to me.  I have never felt this way for someone.  Even if you told me right now, that you want to call this off so you can pursue Aoshi again, I would still love you.  You're this bright light that draws me closer every time I'm around you.  And I can't wait until I'm finally consumed by the source."  He gave her a small kiss.  Just a brush of lips, but enough to let her know he was sincere.  

Misao's lips tingled and her heart hammered in her chest.  "Soujiro, I think it would help if I go and tell Aoshi-sama how I feel about you."

Soujiro nodded.  "Whatever you need to do, however much time you need.  I'll wait for you to be ready."  He kissed her hand and stood.  "I'll give you some time to think."

Misao smiled in gratitude and stared out at the water.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Her sandals made soft pats on the wood floors of the temple.  She rounded the corner and opened the door to the room Aoshi meditated in.  His sudden speech startled her.

"I don't know why you bother to make noise.  I'll sense you anyway."

Misao almost turned and fled.  She didn't want to talk to him about this.  She was certain she would cry and smile and laugh and look completely insane, but it had to be done.  

He turned to look at her as she remained silent, curious about her odd behavior.  She felt her breath catch as she looked into the eyes that stole her heart so many years ago.  "Aoshi-sama, I need to discuss something important with you."

He gestured to the mat next to him and she situated herself.  She stared at her hands, wondering how to say what she needed to say and gathering her courage at the same time.  Her stomach twisted in knots and she felt her hands go clammy.

Aoshi looked at her pale face and noticed beads of sweat forming on her brow.  "It won't be any easier to discuss if you wait longer.  Go ahead.  You can talk to me."

She wanted to cry at the gentleness in his tone.  _Don't be sweet now.  Don't be kind and attentive.  You'll ruin it all, Aoshi-sama.  Please, be your normal stoic self.  This once, I need you to be as distant as you always are to me.  Please._

"Well, Aoshi-sama.  I know I've made my feelings toward you clear.  And, I can't deny that I still feel that way to some extent."

Aoshi's stomach began to twist as well.  _What is she saying?  And why do I feel so odd?_

"Over the past couple of months, Soujiro and I have been together.  As in a couple.  We love each other and though I still have some feelings for you, I believe those to be more family type feelings and not the love I thought it was.  I came here to let you know so that maybe I can move on and be there for Soujiro as he's there for me."

She closed her eyes, the tears now slipping freely.  "I came here to let you go."

She got up and ran from the temple, crying.  

Aoshi sat there in a state of semi-shock.  He knew Misao and Soujiro were getting close, but to actually hear her say she was letting him go.  Misao had always been there for him.  He realized he had always taken her for granted.  Maybe he didn't love her the way she had wanted, but she was HIS little Misao.  She was the one who brought him tea and tried to make him smile.  Aoshi ran a hand through his hair and sighed.  "Why do I feel so jealous?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A week later, Misao and Soujiro were walking in the forest, admiring the leaves as they changed to signal autumn.  Misao broke the silence.  "I know the leaves change because they're dying, but they're the most beautiful at this time of year.  It's strange."

Soujiro smiled.  "No heavy thoughts today.  Just enjoy the scenery."  He took Misao's hand and laced his fingers with hers.  "I hate to go back on what I just said, but you never told me what happened when you spoke to Aoshi."

Misao leaned against a tree.  "I told him I was letting him go.  And though it tore me apart when I said it, I feel wonderful now.  This tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders and everything is becoming clear where it was muddled before."

Soujiro bit his bottom lip.  "So, are you ready to be fully attuned to me?"

Misao let her inhibitions go.  Out here in the woods, there was no call for propriety with Soujiro.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.  It was chaste at first, but she wouldn't pull back and he wasn't about to either.  She pushed her lips against his a little more forcefully and he pushed back.  Finally, he ran a tongue along her lips and she opened her mouth, inviting him to be her first real kiss.  When they broke apart, Misao smiled devilishly at him.  "Does that answer your question?"

Soujiro smirked.  "No.  I think I may need you to tell me again."

Misao laughed and kissed him again.  "And that's the last time I'm telling you!"

Soujiro chuckled.  "You may want to do that again."

Misao quirked an eyebrow.  "Why?"

"Because I've been saving up to get you this."  He pulled a small box from his sleeve and opened it to reveal a beautiful green stone that matched her eyes set in a silver band.  "I'm not really familiar with western traditions, but this one I do know and I like it."  He dropped to one knee.  "Misao Makimachi, will you do me the honor of being my wife?"

Misao felt her eyes mist over and she grabbed him in a fierce hug.  "Of course I will!  I love you!"

Soujiro whispered in kind as he held on to her just as firmly.  He pulled back and placed the ring on her left hand.  "There.  Now everyone will know you're spoken for."

Misao giggled.  "I can't wait to go tell everyone.  Come on, let's go tell them!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao told them the news and held out her hand with the ring proudly.  The room was silent and they all just gaped at the pair.  

Okina cleared his throat.  "You two?"

A nod from them both.

"A couple?"  
  


Another nod.  

"And you're getting married?"

Misao sighed.  "I know it's a shock, but I wanted to wait until I had some things figured out.  We've been together for a few months and I didn't want to tell you anything until we were sure it would remain that way."

Okon and Omasu walked over and grabbed one arm each.  "We're going to talk."  
  


That left Soujiro with the penetrating glares of the male Oniwabanshuu members.  Okina didn't say much.  He was too busy fighting back the tears after hearing his Misao was getting married.  Shiro and Kuro locked Soujiro in place with their gazes.  

Kuro walked over so he could tower over the smaller man.  "Will you take care of her?"

"Hai.  Hai.  Of course I will."

Shiro joined him.  "Will you promise to never break her heart?"

"That's the last thing I would EVER intentionally do."

Aoshi spoke up from his corner.  "Do you love her more than you ever thought possible?"

Soujiro smiled softly.  It had to be hard on Aoshi.  Even if he didn't love Misao, it must still hurt just a little to hear someone no longer loves you in that way.  "Every time I think about what life would be like if I never stopped by, or if I had never told her how I felt, or if I had taken that promotion in Tokyo, it threatens to tear me apart.  And then I see her, just see her no matter what she's doing or what she's dressed in, and I feel whole again.  Even when she says she's at her worst, she's still absolutely radiant to me.  If we ever got separated for some reason, I don't think I could go on."

Aoshi nodded at him.  "Then you have my blessing."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Okon and Omasu were interrogating Misao in the living room.  "What about Aoshi-san?  Don't you love him anymore?"  
  


Misao put up her hands to ward off the oncoming questions.  "Wait!  Wait!  One at a time.  First of all, yes I do love Aoshi-sama, but not in that way anymore.  It's turned into more of a family fondness.  After all, when your feelings and affections are unreturned and someone else does return them, things start to be seen in a different light."

Okon shook her head, one hand to her forehead as though she were in pain.  "Did you talk to Aoshi-san first?"

Misao nodded and then smiled sadly.  "I had to let him go."  
  


Omasu wrapped an arm around her.  "Do you really love Soujiro or is it just that you want to be loved by _someone_?"

Misao looked directly into her eyes.  "He's amazing.  How could I NOT love him?"

Okon smiled then for the first time.  "Then you must hang on and never let him go."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao sighed in happy remembrance.  "Those were wonderful days.  I don't really think it set in for any of you until we started making wedding plans."

Omasu giggled.  "That was one heck of a fiasco.  Nothing seemed to be going right, but it all came together in the end."

Okon laughed.  "Isn't that how wedding plans usually go?"

Misao leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.  "Everything was magnificent for three blissful years.  Not only did Soujiro and I grow more in love as time wore on, but he still treated me as if I was a princess.  He took me to dinner once a week, bought me lovely gifts and the finest kimonos, there was nothing I couldn't have.  Plus, Aoshi and I became best friends.  He finally stopped living in the past and opened up more.  The Aoiya was flourishing and then Soujiro and I decided to have our first baby.  I felt like the luckiest woman in the world."

She opened her eyes and they glistened with tears.  "And then there was 

that cursed assignment."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Saitou showed up in all his wolfish glory, teasing Misao and glaring at all who dared to look at him.  Finally, Soujiro came home from work.

"Saitou-san!  What brings you here?"  Soujiro's famous smile slipped easily into place.

Saitou motioned for him to join him outside.  "I would have spoken to you at the station, but when I returned from my rounds, they said you left a little early."

Soujiro blinked at him.  "Am I in trouble for coming home early?"

Saitou lit up a cigarette.  "Ahou.  I told you yesterday that you should leave early today.  What I came here about was an assignment that you need to go on."  
  


Soujiro frowned slightly.  "Do I have to leave home for it?"

"Yes."  
  


"For how long?"

Saitou took a leisurely drag on his cigarette.  "It should only take three weeks, at the most.  It's just an information gathering mission.  There's a drug cartel setting up residence in Yokohama and we need to get some leads before we can begin a real investigation."

Soujiro nodded.  "And you want me to go."

Saitou nodded.  "That's the plan.  The pay is good, if that's what you're concerned about.  It'll be more than enough to buy everything you'll need for the baby."

Soujiro's eyes lit up.  "Well, I guess I'll go then.  It's just information gathering and only three weeks.  And then Misao and I won't have to worry about anything for the baby."

Saitou flicked his cigarette onto the dirt path.  "Be at the station at dawn tomorrow.  A carriage will take you to the train station from there."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao choked back a sob.  "I understood why he would leave, but it still bothered me that he would be gone.  And then a week after he left that damned wolf came by.  He never brings good news."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao hung up the last of the laundry when there was a soft knock at the gate.  She made her way over to the gate and cracked it open.  She was about to make a nasty comment when she got a good look at Saitou's face.  He looked sad, almost compassionate.  Her stomach began to twist and turn and her heart beat unmercifully in her chest.  

"Seta-san, I'm afraid there's no easy way to say this.  During the mission, Soujiro and a few of the other men investigating, got too close to the source and were found out.  You're husband was a wonderful swordsman, but outnumbered as much he was, there was nothing he could do.  He died an honorable death trying to protect our country.  You should be proud of him for that.  I'm sorry."  Saitou looked close to tears, but Misao was showing no emotion at all.

Saitou expected her to break down and cry or pummel him into the earth.  Either would have been a welcome change from the shock she seemed to be in.  She merely continued to stare into a point that was somewhere beyond Saitou and then she turned to go inside.  "Thank you for telling me, Saitou.  Good day."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao's bottom lip trembled with the effort to keep from crying.  "I don't know why I didn't cry.  I was in shock I guess.  It's just so surreal to hear something like that.  I was certain it was some grim dream and I would wake up at any second and see Soujiro next to me.  I waited day after day for the nightmare to end, but when we had the funeral, it all became too real."

She buried her face in her hands and sobbed.  Aoshi drew her into his embrace and rocked her gently, trying to calm her down.  "Please don't cry, Misao.  You know Soujiro wouldn't want you to cry."  
  


Misao hiccupped and gave a watery laugh, remembering back to their wedding day.  

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

She was crying from joy, tears of bliss running down her face as they made their way into the Aoiya for the reception.  Soujiro pulled her close 

to whisper in her ear.  "It's a crime to cover the sun with the rain.  Of course, some days it rains while the sun is shining.  And on those days, we get beautiful rainbows.  Now, dry your eyes so the rainbow can be seen."

He gently brushed her tears away and Misao giggled.  "It seems I married a poet."

Soujiro chuckled.  "I'm a man of many talents, koishii."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao sighed.  "I know he wouldn't want me to cry, but it still hurts.  I miss him so much."

Aoshi gave her stomach a friendly pat.  "Just wait nine months, take care of yourself, and you'll have the best reminder of all."

Misao hugged her best friend close.  "I don't know what I'd do without you."  She smiled at her family.  "Any of you."  She glanced out the window and noticed the sun had set.  "Oh my.  We missed dinner."

Omasu giggled.  "I can throw something together quickly."  
  


Misao stood and gave a yawn.  "I think I'm just going to turn in for the night.  I'm pretty beat."

Aoshi ran a hand down her hair.  "You sure you'll be alright?"

Misao smiled and nodded.  "Thanks again for everything, Aoshi.  I do feel better."

Aoshi nodded and gave her a small smile as she headed up the stairs.  _I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.  I fall in love with her more and more every day.  So much so I feel like I'll burst._

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A/N:  And there it is.  The end of Soujiro and Misao's story, but this fic ain't over yet!  After all, Aoshi loves Misao and Misao's all alone.  What will happen next?  Stay tuned!  Dun, dun, duuuunnnnnn!  Oh, I'm such a dork.  Please leave a review!  Hugs & Kisses!


	5. Chapter 5

Lost Love

Chapter 5

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao hummed softly as she rubbed her slightly puffed out abdomen.  She kept thinking, directing her thoughts as if she was speaking to her unborn child.  _You, little one, will make me fat soon.  But, I don't mind.  As long as you come out looking just like your otouchan.  _

And then her worries began to gnaw at her.  She frowned as her thoughts turned dark.  _Everyone says it's important for children to have both parents around.  Will I be able to raise this child properly by myself?  Who will be his or her male role model?  Every child needs a father figure.  What am I going to do?_

Aoshi passed her open door on the way to his room and noticed her shadowed expression.  "Misao?  Are you alright?"

Misao blinked, slightly startled, and smiled at him.  "Yes.  Sorry, just thinking."

Aoshi came in and sat across from her.  "Alright, spill it, Misao.  You've had a sour expression on your face when you think no one is looking.  What's bothering you?"

Misao sighed.  "Really, Aoshi.  I'm fine.  Just a little tired, maybe.  Being pregnant does that to you."  She tried for a smile again, but Aoshi knew it was forced.

He quirked one eyebrow.  "Don't lie, Misao.  You don't want to teach your child bad habits before it's even born, do you?"  

He meant to tease.  And the old Misao would have just smacked his arm and told him to shut it, but the worried Misao dissolved into a fit of sobs.

"What am I going to do?  I'm a woman so I'll be no good at being a father!  I'm not even sure I'll make a good mother!  All children need a male role model.  What will I do?"

Aoshi's eyes widened.  "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to upset you."

Misao let out a loud sob and clung to his shirt for dear life.  "No, it's not your fault.  I'm just scared.  I don't know what to do."

Aoshi patted her back as he gently rocked, trying to calm her.  "Shh.  It's 

alright now.  We can all handle this as a family.  Everyone will help you through it."

Misao sniffled.  "I know.  But it's _my_ baby.  I should be able to do most of it by myself.  And I _want to do most of it.  I just don't know if I _can_."_

Aoshi smirked at her.  "The Misao I know could do whatever she wanted.  You just need to set your mind to it."

Misao wiped away the last of her tears and smiled at Aoshi and then began to giggle.  Aoshi shook his head.  "What now?  You change emotions faster than anyone I've ever met."

Misao giggled some more.  "Being pregnant will do that to you."

Aoshi rolled his eyes.  "Is that your excuse for everything?"

Misao nodded.  "As long as I can use it, I will."

Aoshi looked her in the eye.  "Now, what were you laughing about?"

Misao smirked and deepened her voice a bit.  "You.  You used to be 'Mister Tough Guy-No Emotions-No Smiling' Shinomori.  And here you are, trying to console a blubbering, pregnant woman.  What a change, eh?"

Aoshi shook his head again, a smile forming on his lips.  "I think I'm being teased.  So, I'll be on my way now."

Misao grabbed his pant leg as he stood.  "Thank you, Aoshi.  It's times like these that being my best friend makes you the most valuable person in the world.  I need that now."

Aoshi nodded.  "Anytime."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Aoshi slid his shoji closed and released the breath he was holding.  "What am I doing?  I can't be in love with her.  Not now."

He knew it was too late.  He'd been in love with her for years.  During her entire marriage to Soujiro he'd been wishing he hadn't been such a fool.  But, Soujiro was a kind and gentle person and he treated Misao like the world revolved around her.  Aoshi had to like him.  If he couldn't be with Misao, at least she was with someone who adored her.

Still, Misao was in a very fragile state right now.  Physically, mentally and 

emotionally, she needed support.  She turned to Aoshi, her best friend.  Aoshi couldn't turn her away, but it tore him up.  She opened up to him, came to him for comfort, cried when she felt the need, asked him for advice when she was unsure.  And all those things made Aoshi love her more.  "I'm in hell.  I love a woman whom I can't love and who couldn't love me.  Why do I torture myself like this?"

He slumped down on his futon and tried to meditate to clear his mind.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Misao was setting the table when she felt the tiniest flutter inside her abdomen.  She dropped the dish she was holding and Aoshi spun around to face her when it crashed on the floor.  Misao was wide-eyed and frozen in place and Aoshi immediately began to panic.

"Misao?  Misao?!  Are you alright?!"  He rushed over to her, feeling her pulse and leading her to a chair as he studied her for any signs that something was wrong.

Misao looked up to him, still a bit dazed.  "It---moved."

Aoshi crouched down to her eye level.  "What?"

Misao began to smile, a huge beaming smile that had been absent from her features for almost a month now.  "It moved!  My baby moved!"

Aoshi let a large smile of his own slip out.  Misao's smile returning along with the first flutters of life causing him to show his emotions freely.  "Are you sure?"

Misao grabbed his hand and pressed it flat against her bulge.  They sat patiently for a few minutes and then she felt it again.  "There!  Did you feel it?"  
  


Aoshi shook his head, a rueful expression on his face.  "I think it's too small for others to feel yet."

Misao pouted.  "Awww.  This is the first good thing that's happened in so long and I can't share it with anyone?  That's awful."

She crossed her arms over her chest in a childish manner and Aoshi chuckled.  "Who needs a new baby around when we've got you?"

Misao's face reddened.  "Aoshi!  Don't tease!"

Aoshi's face was stoic, but his voice betrayed him as he began to clean up the broken dish.  "Yes, yes, Misao-chan."

"Aoshi!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A/N:  I'm still trying to figure out where this will lead.  I don't know if they'll end up together or not.  At first, that's what I was aiming for, but then everyone said the Misao/Soujiro relationship was too good to put her with Aoshi afterwards.  So, I'm in limbo.  Everyone, please review and tell me where to go!  I'm so confused!  (loud sobbing)  Sorry, ahem, it's just frustrating.  Anyway, please review and tell me what you think.  Hugs & Kisses!


End file.
